October 2009 Posts

Saturday, October 31, 2009: Biofeedback?

I had an awareness come to me this morning at the end of my meditation session: This style of meditation (Vipassana) is basically a portable biofeedback machine.  When I am truly peaceful, calm, centered, “in the zone”, I am aware of and attune to  my body, and can feel its various sensations.  When I’m stressed, or distracted, or otherwise mentally detached/spaced out/not present, I can’t feel those sensations as clearly/strongly, if at all.  Hmm, interesting!

There really is no mysticism to this form of meditation (as much as some people may desire, or conversely, be fearful of that); it’s just present-moment awareness, with the focus being the breath and body (instead of a mantra or a prayer or what have you).  It’s helping me “see” (experience) when I am calm and peaceful, and when I’m not really.  I can try to convince myself of lots of things (i.e., “oh, no, I’m not upset/stressed/distracted/fill-in-the-adjective”); but when I have an objective measure to use as an “assessment” tool, that brings everything to a very honest place for me.

Friday, October 30, 2009: Compassion

I’m beginning to experience the effects of my very young meditation practice in my “everyday” life.  An example that occurred today:

At a local gaming (gambling) establishment, I was at a blackjack table, and playing mostly according to the “rules” of the game – but with one exception that can drive some people crazy: I like to hit on 12, regardless of what the dealer is showing.  It’s my one “deviation” from ‘the way you are supposed to play the game’ – it’s part of what makes table play interesting for me, so let me do it, okay?  I don’t need you to tell me I shouldn’t be doing it, or try to “teach” me that it’s the “wrong” way to play (hello, gambling is the “wrong” way to play!), or try to convince me not to do it…just let me have my fun, okay?  I don’t “coach” you – or worse yet, verbally harass you.  And yet, when small paychecks, short tempers, and alcohol are added to the mix, unfortunately “unskillful” behaviors frequently appear – and tonight was no exception.  Now, to be fair, it wasn’t too, too bad (I have seen much worse); but it’s still no fun to be playing a “lighthearted” game with people who are treating it like it’s their j-o-b.  It’s a $5 table folks; if you want to play with only 100% serious people, please go to the high-rollers area – or at least a $20 table!  (Then again, if one could afford a higher-limit table, one might not be taking this all so seriously anyway…)  But I digress; back to the point (focus Stef, focus…) about me being all meditative and everything… *smile*

Two people in particular at the table tonight were very agitated – and made numerous pessimistic, angry, untrue comments.  These people started to annoy the various dealers, as well as several other people at the tables.  Eventually, one of these men was approached by the State Police, and asked to “please come with me, sir”.  After the individual had left the area, the dealer made a comment about him; and I responded earnestly, honestly, and with only compassion in my heart by saying, “He’s just a lost soul.”  And I meant it.

Before my retreat, my best-case response probably would have been to say nothing, choosing to pretend I didn’t hear the negative comment – and letting it stand.  (And as they say, “silence is consent”.)  And my worst-case response likely would have been to agree, either with a brief comment of support, or at the very least a sympathetic glance and a head nod.  (Better that you like me than not…)

So, to 1) make a comment that was in contrast to the current attitudes of the majority at the table, and 2) to truly, sincerely feel only compassion for an annoying person, yes – but clearly one who is having a tough time in life – well, these are pretty cool developments for me.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009: Trying to explain…

Today I had a conversation with a friend who wanted to hear about my experience at the meditation retreat – and I found it is difficult to articulate exactly WHY the experience was so deeply emotional (and painful) at times.  I mean, I’m just sitting, watching my breath, and feeling sensations on the body – how does that generate strong emotional responses?  I don’t know, but it does.  It really does.

This evening, I received the following note in my home email – and I think it helps explain how/why meditation can be so profound, and therefore so emotional at times:

“In a state of mindfulness, you see yourself exactly as you are. You see your own selfish behavior. You see your own suffering. And you see how you create that suffering. You see how you hurt others. You pierce right through the layer of lies that you normally tell yourself, and you see what is really there. Mindfulness leads to wisdom.”

- Bhante Henepola Gunaratana, from “Mindfulness and Concentration,” Tricycle, Fall 1998

Well said.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009: TV & restlessness

I watched one hour of TV yesterday – and it is wreaking absolute havoc with my mind.  In this morning’s meditation, snippets of the show persistently appeared throughout my sit time, even though I continued to try to bring my mind back to vipassana.  I then caught myself “watching” parts of the show in my mind as I was showering and getting ready for the day… wow.

I sincerely doubt that this is a new phenomenon; I suspect this had been occurring all along, but I was just unaware of it until now.  No wonder I was so restless!

Just goes to show my mind wants to take the path of least resistance, always.  If I let it be “lazy”, it absolutely will!  So… I may need to take a hiatus from TV for a while.  Not that this is a bad thing; guess I’ll have more time to read.  :)

Monday, October 26, 2009: Tightness

Not even a full day back in “the real world”, and I am already feeling just how “tight” I am.  My muscles are understandably tight (12 days of massive sitting and minimal movement, followed by a 7-hour drive home); but my mind is already tightening under the perceived stresses of trying to get caught up with my “real world” life (personal emails, work tasks, errands, house chores…).  My morning meditation today was scattered, and “productive” only in the sense that I got to see/experience just how stressed out I am.  *sigh*  Learning to let go is difficult; especially when my environment is no longer “forcing” me to…

(Later)  My meditation experience is already getting good practice…

In doing all of the laundry from my nearly two weeks away, I tossed in a few of Joel’s items into my final load; and apparently one of his pairs of pants is new, because the ink bled all over 4 of my shirts.  (His pants are dark navy, and the four shirts are white, of course.)  Hmm… this was a very good opportunity for me to see how I would react in the face of “life not going my way” – and I’m pleased to say that while my initial reaction was, “Oh NO, what HAPPENED?!”; the next reaction that came about 4 seconds later was, “*sigh* Well, they are just clothes…”.

Considering the any number of reaction(s) I may have had 2 weeks ago, I consider today’s laundry encounter to be SIGNIFICANT progress; and tangible proof of the power of meditation in my life.