Day One

Task for the day: Be aware of the breath on the nostrils.

To say my Vipassana experience got off to a rough start is a bit of an understatement.  I can honestly say I *hated* life my first 24 hours at the center.  (And I do not use the word “hate” lightly at all.)

The morning meditation session was pure torture for me: I was FREEZING cold (it was probably around 35 degrees outside, and windy and wet; and it couldn’t have been more than 60 degrees in the meditation hall), I was exhausted from having barely slept the night before, combined with a very early 3:45 am wake up time), and I was incredibly hungry, given our scant “dinner” the night before.  My mind would not focus at all on the “simple” task of watching my natural breath, and I nearly fell asleep during the meditation session.  So far, not good.  I wanted to quit VERY badly.

At 11 am we had lunch (people are often curious about the food served at the center, so I have a separate post regarding the menu/food offerings), and then at noon I had an interview with the teacher (and I honestly can’t remember what we even talked about), then took a shower and did a little bit of yoga.  The lunch meal helped with the hunger (obviously), the shower helped me get warm, and the yoga gave me something familiar to do – and something to DO, period.  By that point in the day I was desperate for ANYTHING to do (which will be a recurring theme throughout the entire 10-day experience).

At 1 pm we were supposed to do 90 minutes of meditation on our own in our rooms; and my rear was already hurting from the morning session.  I tried doing some meditation sitting in the chair in my room; and after about 10 minutes, I nearly fell asleep again.  So I decided to stand up, and meditated in a standing position for about 30 minutes (even though standing meditation is not allowed in the Vipassana style; neither is laying down).

After an hour of meditating on my own, I just couldn’t do any more.  So I gave up, and basically looked at the wall for the next 20 minutes, until it was time to walk back over to the hall for our afternoon meditation session.  (If you are curious about the daily schedule, you can view that here.)

I realized that I was going to be unable to make it through another hour of meditation using the pillow/cushion arrangement I had tried in the morning (which was basically me just sitting upright on a round cushion), so I used a support called a “backjack”, along with a triangle cushion, to fashion a “floor chair” for myself.  (I’ve made a little sketch of the setup that you can look at if you so desire.)

Once I was reasonably settled in (“reasonably” being a relative term, mind you), I began desperately trying to focus on my breath.  After probably 30 minutes or so, I found a decent rhythm of repeating “iiiiinnnnnn-hhhhhaaaa-llllllaaaaa-tion”, “eeeeeexxxxxxx-hhhhhaaaa-llllllaaaaa-tion” to myself – and then was able to “find” my breath.  (Which is pretty hilarious to think about, that I can’t find my own automatic body functioning…)  Now, using a mantra is not allowed in Vipassana (the thought being that every sound generates its’ own vibrations; and the point/purpose of Vipassana is to find the body’s own vibrations), but at this point, I was running out of options, and I was desperate to try anything that might helped.  This helped, so I used it.

And you may be wondering: “She’s desperate, and it’s only 2:30 pm on Day One?”  The answer: Yes.  Think about it: By this point in the day I had spent around 4-5 hours desperately trying to “do” meditation; and generally, when a person can’t do a task, even 10 minutes of attempting it is frustrating.  Attempting MEDITATION with no “success” is even MORE frustrating, because there are no breaks, no outside distractions; just me, and my crazy-ass frenetic mind.  I was grasping for anything, ANYTHING, that might help.  (Which is a whole separate issue, which will be discussed in subsequent days.)

However, during this period of struggle, I did have one very cool awareness: I found that my self-talk had shifted somewhere between Day Zero and 3 pm on Day One.  Before, my self-talk was generally negative (i.e., “Oh, I can’t believe I just did that, that was so stupid/careless/etc.”; “Oh, I can’t believe I just said that, I am so embarrassed”; and on, and on, and on…); but during this time of intense struggle and feelings of failure, I caught some of my self-talk, and it was going on like this, “Hey, it’s okay; you’re doing the best you can.  You know what, don’t even worry about what just happened; let’s just try it again.  Oops, didn’t do it just then; okay, let’s try…now!”  And so on.  And that alone, THAT, was worth all of the pain and frustration and suffering of Day One.

Despite my new-found caring self, the evening did not bring any improvements.  By the 6 pm meditation session, I was in tears.  (Literally.)  During that one-hour session, some of the various thoughts the came to me were as follows: “God, this rain sucks.  It will never stop; I will be trapped in sogginess for over a week.  I hate life.  I want to quit.  I have failed; on Day One.  I’m a failure.  What is the point of all of this?  This is all such bullshit!  I could be home with Joel right now; not suffering here.  I am SO crazy for even choosing – CHOOSING! – to do this.  I am spending my vacation time on this??  AAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!”  And, all of this insanity was done silently, motionless.  I may have looked “peaceful”, but I was so far from peace, it was so NOT funny.

I was vacillating wildly between fear, frustration, extreme anger/hostility, and depression.  In a word: misery.

If I had not turned in my purse yesterday, I would have walked out of the meditation hall, packed my car, and drove away right then and there.  I am so not kidding.

But, they had my driver’s license.  They had my credit cards.  They had my bank card.  They had me.  They owned me.

This SUCKS!

(Continue to Day Two…)