Day Zero (10/14/2009)

I left my house around 9 am, and arrived at the Illinois Vipassana Meditation Center a few minutes before 4 pm.  I got increasingly nervous as I drove towards the center; I felt a strong “need” to listen to blaring rock music in my car, and “dance” as much as the seat belt would allow – in anticipation of 10 days of no talking and minimal movement.

When I got to the gate of the center, I actually pulled off to the other side of the street, into the parking lot of a small nature preserve area, and wrote this: “I have arrived at the meditation center.  When I turned off the engine to write this, the first thing I felt was silence.  It was starling, not having any noise around me.   This happened to me when I did my solo retreat at The Dwelling two years ago – the silence hit me.  So I’m not surprised by this, but it is still startling.  Is this what the next 10 days will feel like?

It is beautiful here – it’s red farmhouses, and yellow trees, and green grass, and a gray/white sky…

*sigh*  I’m stalling.  I feel a bit like I’m about to check myself into a mental institution – or rehab.  Well… I guess it’s time to go in.  Wish me luck.”

At the time, I had absolutely no idea how very true those words would prove to be.

I got to the center, where I was greeted very “officially” by the manager of the center.  She gave me specific directions: drive to the dorm, unpack, park your car in the lot, then return here with all your valuables, as well as any electronic devices, cell phones, religious objects, etc. you may have on you.

When I completed her directions as instructed and returned back to the main hall, she had me surrender my purse to her possession (for “safekeeping” during the retreat, as no doors have locks on them), fill out a form, and then “invited” (told) me to either wait here or in my room, but either way, to return promptly at 6 pm for a light meal, and our beginning instructions.

I chose to wait in the main hall, so I could meet other people as they arrived.  Over the next 90 minutes, I met one woman who was an “old student” (i.e., had completed this course once previously), and who had brought her friend with her (a “new student” – someone who has never had this experience).  I also spent some time talking with two girls (I’m guessing mid-to-late 20s or so, single, etc.) who came together from Chicago; and one woman who was/is from my hometown of Elkhart, Indiana!  So wild.

Promptly at 6 pm, “dinner” was served (veggie broth with some cooked carrots tossed in, and cornbread), and then at 6:30 pm we were debriefed on the more significant rules.  (There were LOTS of rules at this center – you can see a whole listing of them here.)  Our “Noble Silence” began at that time.  (Noble Silence = no communication with anyone on the retreat, in any form – including speaking, writing notes, gesturing, eye contact, etc.  We could speak with the teacher at noon for 5 minutes each day regarding questions about our meditation practice; and we could speak with the course manager one-on-one about any “material” needs we had [i.e., toilet paper, questions about the schedule, etc.]; otherwise, no communication.)

At 8:30 pm, we were separated into our respective gender groups, and were taken separately into the meditation hall; where, one at a time, we were shown our meditation mat; our “home away from home, away from home” for the next 10 days.  We were not to move our mat, or change places with anyone.  This was our spot, like it or not.  (I did like my spot; I was off to the side against the wall, so I could see all of the action in the place – even though I wasn’t supposed to be paying attention to anyone/anything else except myself.)

After we all got settled in, we heard about 20 minutes of chanting, in Pali (the original language of Buddhism), by an Indian guide – S. N. Goenka, the man who would be giving all of our instructions on this retreat (via CD and DVD).  We did have 2 in-person teachers as well; an American husband/wife team from Colorado, who were in their mid-50s or so.

As soon as I heard the chanting, it hit me: Oh man, this is for REAL. No messing around here; this is some hardcore meditation.  I also had the thought, “Wow, this chanting sounds crazy.  It DOES sound and feel like a cult right now…”

We had about an hour of chanting and instruction, and then were dismissed to our rooms, where we were told we were to have lights out no later than 10 pm, and needed to be at the mediation hall tomorrow morning, completely settled in to our spot, by 4:30 am.

I had a rough night of sleep – I was really cold, and the bed was hard, and so I tossed and turned pretty much all night; I think I got about 3 hours of sleep total.  Around 3:45 am, I heard a woman down the hall crying; oh god, is this foreshadowing??

(Continue to Day One…)