Day Four

Two tasks for today!  Morning task: Fine-tune the mind by getting even clearer on our breath sensations; get the mind razor-sharp.  Afternoon/evening task: Learn Vipassana.

I woke up this morning laughing (out loud) from a dream; it was delightful. I’ll take all of the humor and joy I can get!  I suspect I’ll need it today…

Well, today is “Vipassana day”, and honestly, I’m kind of dreading it.  I don’t even really know what it is (yet), but a few things have been alluded to, and they all pretty much suck.

And how “funny” it is that just two days ago, I really wanted to experience the events of today; but now that it’s actually here, I really don’t?

So, I got some good awareness today: I got to see that 1) I AM very fickle; and that impermanence is VERY real in my life (so if I’m in a situation I don’t like, just wait; it WILL change) and 2) that my current mind is a pretty pessimistic one; and I don’t want to live like that.

I also woke up craving two things: a Diet Pepsi, and a strong pain killer.  Seriously.  Nothing like external chemicals to distract and soothe, right?  (*big smile* Of course not!  And that is why I am here; to stop depending on external sources of comfort – be they other people, or other situations, or other things – and to be able to really rely on my own self, my own inner strength, my own spiritual/emotional groundedness…)  Alas, intellectually I know these external items (soda and medicine) are only short-term fixes; but I’m not “enlightened enough” yet to get beyond immediate gratification every now and again.  At least I am honest…

In this morning’s meditation session, I played with some pillows to configure another reasonable posture for me to sit in.  Just like a bedridden person needs to be turned every so often to prevent bedsores, I’m finding I need to change my posture every so often to minimize butt sores.  Here’s a quick sketch of today’s posture.

This morning I found myself reflecting on (okay, judging) what I perceive to be the surprising “unhealthiness” of this center.  I.e., they don’t offer any instruction on stretching, yet expect people to sit for 10 hours every day.  They have pretty limited food offerings, and minimal time for sleep (6 hours just isn’t enough for me; I’m a 7-8 hour kind of gal – hence, some of my meditation sessions have resulted in unintentional naps)… judging, judging.  Another painful-but-good awareness for me, to not only see, but really experience my judgmental mind.

But I’m also getting to see that things are starting to shift for me.  This morning, I had a brief period of true “enlightenment”.  (And when I say brief, I mean like 10-20 seconds…)  I found myself really feeling sensations in my body, and not reacting, just truly observing.  I felt a true “one-ness”; ALL of my worries, concerns, etc. were GONE during that brief interval of time.  I’m not sure if this is the “goal” of this meditation style, but it was an amazing experience for me, however brief.

In the afternoon, we got down to the task at hand: Vipassana instruction!  I found out that Vipassana is basically a full-body scan, following three rules:

1)      Keep your eyes closed at all times.

2)      Sit up, keeping your back and neck straight.

3)      Don’t move – no reacting at all.  Just notice whatever comes up.

These three steps lead to the three key Vipassana teachings:

1)      Change is the only constant – everything in life is impermanent.

2)      To be free from misery, one must accept everything exactly as it is – not as we’d like it to be.

3)      Don’t be concerned with any results; just focus on doing my part, and let Dhamma (nature) do its part.

We practiced Vipassana for about an hour; and then a few comments were made that led me to believe that the remaining six days of this retreat will be spent on practicing the technique, and getting a firm foundation of meditation in place to take home with us.

I’m not sure I really want to invest six days practicing away from my family, my home, my physical comforts and schedule; but I also know I won’t practice as much at home (with all of the distractions, and delights, and concerns of daily living) as I will here; so, I guess I am grateful for this opportunity…

More gratitudes came later that evening: As we were all practicing in the meditation hall after dinner, two distinct sounds entered my awareness.  The first was that as we were all sitting motionless, in silence, a big flock of geese flew by overhead; and the hall was filled with sounds of them honking, and of the wind rustling.  It was so amazing; I am tearing up right now writing this.

The second gratitude that came was my awareness of the sounds of the meditation hall itself.  Again, nearly 40 people all sitting on pillows in one large room, motionless and silent; and the peace of hearing/experiencing/feeling all of us breathing, seeking peace for ourselves (and ultimately for all of the people we come into contact with, and perhaps even for the world as a whole) was profound, and truly, deeply moving and spiritual.  So peaceful, so awesome.  I want to remember this…

(Continue to a bonus entry – the wee hours of Day Five…)