Day Three

Task for the day: Be aware of all sensations in the nostril area (examples: temperature, tingling, itching, tickling, as well as sensations that are present, but that can’t be specifically named…)

Grr, that is what I did yesterday all on my own, intuitively! The Day Two task of following my breath was getting boring, so I started “playing” with the temperature of the air, noticing that it was cool coming in, and warm going out… Ugh! This is so BORING!

I am also not holding up so well physically. I am freezing cold (it’s probably 30-35 degrees outside, and the heat in every building is set at 60 degrees, so it’s not much warmer than that inside, if at all); I am exhausted (I am averaging 4 hours of choppy sleep each night); I am starving (I’m probably eating 2/3 of what I’m used to consuming in an average day); and I am in pain (mostly in my low back; it’s not surprising, but it still sucks).

God, I hope there is some emotional/spiritual payoff at the end of all of this. I guess I’ll just have to wait and see…

(At this point in the day [5:30 am], I went outside, and saw TONS of beautiful stars. While this method of meditation stresses personal experience over Higher Power devotion, I am once again reminded and re-affirmed that my Higher Power is always with me, watching over me, helping me, and rooting for me!)

Morning meditation #1: As the room became silent today (i.e., after the introductory chanting), I focused on my breath – and heard everyone’s tummies digesting breakfast. It struck me as both funny and cute.

Morning meditation #2: I had a weird/cool experience this morning: I was focused on my breathing, and suddenly I felt like I had been like a marionette held up by strings, and then all of the strings were snipped. It felt like my body crumpled down, then off to the left side like a rubber costume – but simultaneously, I also felt my real body sitting upright just as it had been, not changing at all. So it was like I had two “bodies”, only the “real” one was upright and light… This all lasted maybe 30 seconds total, but it was cool. Then immediately after it passed, I became very HOT (no longer freezing). I also realized that I just “lost” my dualistic mind – i.e., there is no longer an “ego” versus what I consider to be the real “me”; it’s just all one essence. Wild… and weird. I’m definitely going to take this to the noon teacher interview today, and see what she says.

Noon interview: The teacher said the whole point of today is to feel the sensations in the nostril area – nothing more. We are to just feel whatever comes up, and not react, respond, or escape – just feel.

(So – this conversation was totally unfulfilling to me; and then I realized, I was looking to her to affirm me, or congratulate me; or be interested by me… something! I realized I am so dependent on external validation; earlier in the day one of my fellow [silent] meditators “looked at me weird” – and I immediately wondered what I did to her… OH. MY. GOD. I am sure she wasn’t even thinking about me! And even if she was, who cares? Wow. I take on WAY too much; and expect WAY too much from others. How about I be comfortable with ME, and just accept ME?!)

After my noon interview I got to walk outside for about 45 minutes today; and the sun was shining, and it was just glorious. During that walk I reflected on the concept of Noble Silence. I’m noticing that one “side effect” (or perhaps intended effect?) of this complete silence is that I am thinking twice about all of the actions I take. I can no longer explain why I am doing anything, or say “oh, sorry” or “excuse me” to gloss over any actions I think may irritate or disturb or confuse or annoy someone else. It’s pretty powerful to experience, and is absolutely having a direct impact on my actions.

That being said, overall I really do like Noble Silence; I like having absolutely NO expectations of making small talk/creating idle chatter with strangers over trivial/unimportant things.

But, still, there is something to be said for connection with other humans, even if it is done in silence. As I was sitting in my room alone for the second hour of the day, this thought came to me: I can totally see how solitary confinement/isolation would cause someone to go insane.

(That afternoon): I feared I was getting sick from the flu. I was starting to feel shaky, very nauseous, feverish…but it comes and goes. So perhaps it’s more a combination of being forced to eat VERY quickly through meals (as this is really tough on my weak stomach), plus the sudden increase in outdoor temps today, plus the stress of this whole setting. So, why am I here?? I’ve had enough pain and anxiety and difficulty; I’m ready to experience inner peace now.

In my afternoon meditation I learned that I can sleep sitting upright. :( I probably spent half of the meditation time in some form of light-to-heavy sleep… But this environment really is conducive to sleep! In fact, I think the meditation hall looks like one big co-ed slumber party – there are cushions and pillows and blankets everywhere; and everyone is wearing sweatpants and hoodies and slippers; and the lighting is very dim and mellow…

In the evening lecture, the topic was about how life is just really all about change and impermanence; and that enlightenment, liberation, and freedom CAN come; but one must pay a hefty price for them. And honestly, I’m not sure I really want to… I suspect Day 4 is gonna suck.

(Continue to Day Four…)