Task for the day: Scan the body symmetrically head to toes, toes to head (i.e., both shoulders at the same time, then both arms, then both hands, both legs, etc…).
Something shifted today – and I approached this work of meditation with true seriousness and sincerity; I let go of my desire to leave as best I could, and didn’t concern myself with what I might tell people about the experience when I got home; I focused on HAVING the experience, on getting the most out of my present time. Shit got serious and intense today.
5:30 am meditation: A headache kicked in pretty much as soon as I started meditating; but I continued with the meditation anyway. The headache went away pretty much the moment I stopped meditating. Vipassana would say the headache means that this meditation style is “working”, getting rid of old, hurtful, painful sankaras. It might be that; it could also be that this style of meditation does require a deep level of concentration for me; and/or it could be the various conditions my body is physically in at this center (little sleep, little food, little exercise…). But whatever the cause, I got to see that I CAN work through “minor” pain; I got to see my resiliency in action. The pain is short-term; and the positive results are lasting.
My 8 am meditation was also intense. During the first 45 minutes I felt lots of various sensations; but during the last 15 minutes of the session my whole body was seized simultaneously by tiny, rapid, but intense vibrations; like lots and lots of sankaras were being brought to the surface, processed, and removed. After the session, I felt spent – but in a good way. I felt like one feels after a really hard-but-fulfilling workout.
Yesterday it was said that leaving this experience early (i.e., before Day Eleven) is not only not recommended, but can actually be harmful – and I can see why. If I had left last night/this morning like “I” wanted to, I would have left in an emotional place of pain and despair – like leaving an operation in the middle of it; just not a good idea at all. Better to let the doctor close up, pull you gently out of the anesthesia, and give you some pain meds to transition you from the hospital to the “regular” world back home, where you can continue to heal and fully recover – and be better than you were before as a result of the work done at the hospital. Right now I’m in the deepest part of the operation; and while it’s painful, I can’t leave yet…
I experienced another benefit to Noble Silence today: I got to see how talking with other people (even [especially?] just idle chit-chat about truly nothing) can be a great way to avoid one’s own issues; and so this silence forces people (me) to face their (my) stuff, and not run away or avoid it via the distraction of other people.
Last night, the weather brought a big storm here – lightening, pounding rain, the whole bit.
Today, everything cleared, the sun came out – and it was warm.
Today I got to take off my heavy coat, and wear a very light jacket instead.
I am amazed by the parallels of all of this. At the very beginning of this experience, I was surrounded by dark, FREEZING weather – and I was emotionally so dark, so sad, so unhappy, and so cold. The weather then ebbed and flowed, sometimes getting decent, sometimes having a few peeks of sunshine, but always having a hint of overcast wetness in the air. I, too, ebbed and flowed, sometimes feeling decent, but always having at least a twinge of uneasiness. Last night, the weather broke loose – and I broke down. And today, true beautiful weather is revealed; and true peace within me is revealed.
Now, nothing lasts forever. The weather will change – some days will be light and beautiful, but some will be cold and dark. The same is true with me – some days I will feel uneasy, sad, etc. But today, I was able to shed my heavy coat – I was able to shed a lot of misery I just don’t “need” any longer. So beautiful, so beautiful.
(Later) I realized that during today’s afternoon meditation session, I felt complete peace for the entire hour of the session. No worries, no concerns, just complete, total acceptance of whatever the moment brought: from cool arm/hand/feet tingling, to uncomfortable shoulder pressure, to butt pain – it all was just in awareness, but without any reactions. Just peace. It was (is!) wild, and obviously so cool!
And for the first time since I arrived here, I didn’t dread going to the next meditation session. No aversion. (For now anyway; that could change in a millisecond.) But all I have is right now, so I will accept it while it’s here.
And to think, had I left yesterday, I would have missed all of this…
(5 minutes later): I am laying on my bed, looking at plain white walls and a plain white ceiling – and I feel completely content and happy. Wow.
Your awareness of body inspires me to want to focus a bit more on that. I really have spent my time cultivating contentment and compassion. I feel like a guy who rushed straight to the final exam, passed, with a C- because I didn’t spend enough time studying.
I had an experience, the day before I started learning Dharma. I was confronted with a truth that I was afraid of, inside. I faced it and i felt a sensation of high pressure in the front-top of my brain, maybe blood rushing there? Then that pressure spread out through my whole brain and dissipated. From then on all my suffering was… Weaker, as if it simply had less energy to affect me. Does that sound familiar in any way?
I agree 100% about idle chit chat. Since becoming content I’d rather keep my mind clear than focus on… Nothing :)
I think acceptance and compassion practices are very valuable practices, too – just like breath meditation, and mantra meditation, and body meditation; I think they all have their place. For me, meditating on the breath, then the body, really allowed me to see things objectively, and quickly. I think they are fabulous practices; but I also now do compassion (metta) meditation, and see tremendous value in that as well.
Your experience of facing something head-on, and then it having less energy/power to affect you, has absolutely happened to me as well. The physical response I have can vary from situation to situation (sometimes the release is tears; sometimes it’s physical pressure; sometimes it’s shaking), but once I look at the stuff, and *really* face it (which I know I have done when I feel a physical reaction to it), it’s amazing how much power it loses. As a wise person once told me, “All your stuff wants is your attention. If you just give it a few moments of undivided attention, you might be surprised by the response.” Indeed, I continue to be surprised… (usually pleasantly). :)