Day Eight

Task for the day:  Be equanimously aware of all sensations that occur as I move throughout the day, all day long.

(Equanimity = observing sensations without reacting [i.e., no clinging, no grasping, no aversion].  Just “accepting life on life’s terms”, whatever those terms may be – even if they are not MY terms.)

Wow, that is one helluva big order for an 8-day-old meditator.  I will simply do the best I can, and see what results.

One cool thing for me to remember about equanimity is that it and misery cannot co-exist.  AND, I am always cultivating one or the other.  So – which one do I want to grow?

When it’s put that way, it really is pretty darn simple.  Simple, but not easy…

During breakfast, I paid attention to the cereal – and noticed that Raisin Bran has a fun texture combination.  Crunchy plus chewy plus squishy and cold; I like it.  I also got to feel the texture of really thick, plain yogurt – and that was very pleasing to me, too (cool and soft, and I like the viscosity).

During a mid-morning break, I got to observe some insects (one of the “perks” of a no-kill rule – I watched the bugs instead of smashed them).  I saw that ladybugs are just plain cute, especially when they walk.  And did you know that mosquitoes have knees?  It’s true!

During the afternoon meditation session, an amusing observation came to my attention: At this stage in the meditation game, people are completely unconcerned with bodily functions.  Everyone is freely tooting, burping, gurgling, yawning, sighing – all completely unapologetically.  Even though we are all “adults”, bodily functions still make me giggle…

A bit “deeper” observation came to me during my early-evening meditation session: The quality of my emotional state really is evident and apparent in my meditation.  When I am anxious, tense, worried, etc., the sensations I feel during my meditation are fast pulsing, pushing, frenetic – not the nice, even, energetic vibrations I experience when I am sincerely calm and peaceful.  Good to learn – and now good to be aware of, watch for, and use to help myself.

So, how did the “equanimity challenge” go today?  Well…

Today’s weather was overcast, rainy, windy, and cold; it was a very sharp contrast to yesterday.  That, plus a very “aggressive” lunch menu that really wreaked havoc on my poor tummy, plus being away from family, friends, books, TV, email, entertainment, chores, responsibilities, and all other known/imagined distractions for over a week now, could really be the perfect set-up for unhappiness.  Certainly, all of these factors served as a good test of my newfound joy and equanimity from yesterday.  How did I fare?

Surprisingly (or not?), as I attended to really paying attention to my senses throughout the day, I found the noise of the rain to be soothing, not depressing.  I regarded my upset stomach as something to observe more than react to.  (How loud WILL that gurgling get?  How much pressure really CAN build up inside?  These questions were viewed more as scientific hypotheses to be examined rather than damning situations to be endured and pushed through.)  Overall, I remained pretty balanced and happy.  I don’t know if all of this is the result of Vipassana or not, but I am most certainly willing to keep trying this method of meditation if these results persist!  It seems like things were continuing to shift…

And then, I noticed something: my pen started to run out of ink.  And I completely freaked out.  (I admit it.)  I have over two days remaining at this meditation center – and writing has been the one thing that has kept me from completely breaking down.  I do not have any more pens on me.  I do not have a way to acquire any more pens.  If this pen runs out, I really am very very very very very VERY screwed!  What the hell will I do? ….  And so you can see how quickly I can get all worked up about literally nothing.

So, this whole “equanimity” thing is most certainly a process.  “Anicca” – everything changes, indeed.

(Continue to Day Nine…)