Task for the day: Use blind spots or gross sensations to avoid developing sankaras of aversion; use flow sensations to avoid developing sankaras of craving/clinging.
Today is the last day of Noble Silence; so I’m not going to take notes today. Instead, I’m going to try to absorb as much as I can in this last full day of solo Vipassana.
(Evening): It’s 9:20 pm, and I’ve had a full day of solo meditation and silence. In tonight’s lecture, the teacher said one comment that really hit me: “The future is the child of the present.” Of course. It is so, so simple; and I’ve heard variations on this theme throughout my life; but for some reason, when he said these words in this way, it just hit me right in the chest: The future is the child of the present. If I just take care of the present, the future will take care of itself! No need for me to worry; no need for me to fret; just do my part right now, and then let go – and trust that “it” (whatever “it” is) will all work out exactly as it should. Because truly, “it” always does.
The teacher also talked at length about having love and compassion for others, and for myself – and the “for myself” part is the part I struggle with. I really do a lot for others in my life; and often I think of others very “naturally” (i.e., without much extra effort on my part), and I try to live a caring and compassionate life – towards them. But towards myself, it has been a very different story.
The timing of these two lessons this evening was absolutely perfect, as I had some pretty intense realizations come to my awareness today. The first realization: When I was forced to live in the present today (as a result of not distracting myself with notes [I am now able to see that my note-taking these past eight days was the final “distraction” I was clinging to in this environment]), I realized how much I automatically want to live in the past or the future. The past frequently brings up emotions of guilt or regret for me, and the future often takes me to a place of fear; so dwelling in these two realms most often generates craving or aversion – which all lead to misery. BUT, when I live in the present moment – when I am truly in the present moment – all I experience is happiness. So, this thought pattern of residing in the past/future is one significant facet of myself I really want to change. My mind wants to be “efficient” (some may say “lazy” – I’m choosing to be gentle with myself and call it a desire to be “efficient”) – and being in the past or the future is often just mentally easier than being fully aware, in the present; living in the present takes a lot more work, and a lot more effort – but the results are a lot more amazing, a lot more beautiful. So, I can view these current patterns of my mind not with frustration, anger, or hatred, but with compassion – and then I can absolutely work to change them, so I can foster happiness and joy in the present moment – which will make for a beautiful future “child”.
The second realization that came to my awareness today actually started as an experience: When I was alone in my room earlier in the afternoon , something very dark and painful came to the surface; and honestly, I have no idea what it was. I could say that it was me missing Joel; or not having any choices at this center; or the stress in general of being in this setting… and while it was in part all of those things, it was also none of those things. Honestly, I just couldn’t identify it – and I am really tired of trying to figure it out. I’m a good person – so why do I so frequently feel like I am such a piece of shit?
In my evening meditation session, I had it out: The session started calmly; but about half way through, everything just got really intense, and physically painful. But I didn’t run away from it. I didn’t cry, I didn’t distract myself; I just stayed with it. I literally said to myself, “Bring it; I’m calm. If this is what it takes to be free, so be it.” And I endured the intense pain for the remainder of the session – probably around 10 minutes or so. I endured it truly, sincerely, equanimously.
I want to be free – or at least find some relief. So if this is what it takes, I’m willing. Bring it.
And at the end of the session, something really, truly had shifted. I can’t explain it. I logically, rationally don’t know what happened. All I know is that something DID happen – something powerful. I left that meditation session physically sore, that is for certain – but also emotionally lighter. I felt (really, physically felt) more open space in my entire chest, in my heart; and more self-compassion in my soul.
Like I said, I don’t know what happened. I really don’t. But I know the way I felt – and I know the way I still feel now, nine days later. I’m more calm. More peaceful. More relaxed. More present.
As I walked back to the dorm at the end of that night, the rain had slowed to a very light mist – still there, but no umbrella required. The wind was intermittent, but still pretty harsh at times. It’s not perfect – it’s not a beautiful sunny warm day – but it’s a whole lot better than it was when I arrived nine days ago. I’ll take it.
The future is the child of the present. What a great way of saying it. Thank you for sharing.
I was again amazed at the parallels in our stories. After reading day 9 I’m pretty certain that you do indeed get what I posted on day 8, though still look forward to your response!
Such an incredible story, I don’t want it to end but can’t slow down now :)
I absolutely do understand your Day 8 comment. And there is some truth in both what you wrote, and how I responded. I’m learning (and continue to be reminded) that few things are all-or-nothing in the world; that my dualistic mind loves to try and make it so, but in reality everything is a changing flow along an incredibly fluid continuum… and so, my writing was as much about my working to ‘understand’ what was happening to me/in me as it was a tool to keep me distracted and ‘entertained’… and the Day 9 experience was a terrific one to show me both sides of that duality – as well as the vague space that permeates it all.