Task for the day: Metta meditation.
Last night I had a dream regarding (un)Noble Speech – basically, the dream was me just shooting off my mouth without thinking, making embarrassing and/or unintentionally insensitive comments; and doing so when a comment really just did not need to be made in the first place. This un-Noble Speech is so harmful to me… and now, I have a rare opportunity to take advantage of a nine-day “reset” button that has been pressed. Now, I’m not looking to be perfect (I’m human; I know mistakes will be made); but I am striving for progress.
Just after breakfast today, I started to feel lots of anxiety in my chest; and then I realized that what I was feeling was just intense (okay, and unpleasant) energy – but *I* was calling it “anxiety”, and therefore giving it power and increasing its’ duration; and making myself unhappy longer than I needed to! The thought then came to me, “Hmm, let’s observe this energy, and just see how long it lasts.” And I did. And while it wasn’t gone immediately, it did dissipate after about 10 minutes or so. Wow. Meditation, observation, awareness…Vipassana truly is powerful. This experience has been so powerful. I only hope I can remember this, and continue this, in my everyday life.
At 10 am, we began the transition from the meditative life to “everyday life” – Noble Silence ended. I had the rest of the day to practice transitioning from this intense, introspective, slow-paced, emotional and spiritual development experience to “the real world” – where people are people, bustling about, and life goes on.
And it all started right away. At about 10:15 am, my suite-mate engaged me in conversation – and it turns out she had pretty negative things to say about her experience, her family, her world-view, her life in general. So, I had the opportunity to not accept her “presents” of negativity.
Oh, that’s right, I haven’t talked about “presents” yet! In last night’s lecture, the teacher talked about how some people want to give “presents” to others around them – that some people want to share their “gifts” of insecurity, negativity, hostility, frustration, overall misery. And that when these “presents” come my way, I have a choice: I can either accept them, or I can leave them on the table. And if I leave them on the table (and then walk away from them), they are not “mine” to figure out what to do with – I don’t have to try and re-gift the tacky lamp, or make a trip to the thrift store to give away a haul of things I don’t really want… the “presents” are not my concern, not my worry. I’m free from the additional burden of them. As tempting as they may be in the moment, I don’t have to accept them.
So, I didn’t. After a few minutes of conversation with the suite-mate – and realizing spending time with her was not helpful to me – I politely excused myself, and went to my room, and gently shut the door. And in that moment, I appreciated the rule of Noble Silence even more. On the first day, the teacher explained that deep emotional and spiritual work simply cannot take place around others; that one really needs to be in isolation, in silence, in order to “hear” oneself, to hear one’s soul. Every person needs to have his or her own experience – no one else’s. And this quick conversation with my suite-mate affirmed that point beautifully. If I had been surrounded by any chatter – no matter how positive or affirming it might have been – it would have distracted me from ME, and I just would not have been able to get at the core of some of the experiences and learnings and realizations I had over the past 9 days. So, Noble Silence really was a very, very helpful rule for me – no matter how hard it may have been at times.
But, now it’s over, and time to get re-introduced to chatter.
(11 am): I don’t understand.
I don’t understand how life as I experience it can change LITERALLY in one second, one moment.
Lunch today was absolutely jubilant – people talking with each other, smiling at each other, holding doors for one another… it was no longer a stressful experience, but instead a friendly gathering.
After the meal, I received my purse back (“my” purse), and once I got my wallet back in my hand, my ipod back under my control – heck, once I got a pen back in my possession (“my” possession) – I felt like I had just been handed the old “me” back to me.
It was such a palpable sense of me returning back to where I was 10 days ago. I no longer felt like a prisoner, or oppressed, or lost… I felt like I knew who “I” was: I’m Stef, I have these things, I work at this job, I fill these roles, I have this place in the world…
I don’t understand how yesterday I can feel SO lost, SO lethargic, SO sad, SO alone, SO eager to GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE!; and today, in literally one exchange of a small black-and-white bag, I can instantly be snapped back to “me”, FULL of energy and vibrancy, fine to stay a few more days if necessary – as if the past 10 days never really happened.
But they did. And I’m grateful that they did. And I did learn a LOT – about myself, about life. And I don’t want to lose those valuable insights and lessons. I don’t want to “reclaim” certain elements of my life that have, at least for now, seem to have slowly, gradually, subtly drifted away – I certainly have paid a large price for them, AND for their release.
So, the question for me now, on Day Ten, is this: How do I integrate the experience I had here with the life I have waiting for me when I leave? How do I “make best use” of the real presents that were shown to me (and that I EARNED for myself)?
I guess the experience of life will show me that. I have learned lessons about staying present and equanimous, even in the face of uncertainty. So, I don’t have to have all the answers right now; I just have to do my work before me, and trust that the present I create now will make a good child in the future.
(Evening): A few minutes after 9 pm, we all returned to the dorm for our final night at the center. One of the “old students” (someone who has completed this course at least once before) brought a bag of mini candy bars with her, and dispensed them freely now that we could interact with one another. With the chocolate hitting people’s blood streams (after nearly 2 weeks of only “pure”, wholesome, organic foods), the conversation flowed freely – and it felt like I was back in college, the day after final exams. All 16 of us women were sitting on the floor in the hallway, eating candy and talking and laughing and comparing our past experience and speculating about the possible future when we leave… just like the last day of college. The end of something difficult, but special; and the start of something daunting, but exciting.
Presents, I like that. Lately I’ve been working on returning these damaged goods, with a small gift of my own. One that I HOPE will help them repair the returned gift.
Congratulations on graduating! While only you can judge that, it sure seems to me you did.
The presents analogy really resonated with me; and I still use it even now, over a year-and-a-half later.
As for old presents I received in the past, I usually don’t give them back to the person who originally gave them to me (re-gifting is rather tacky); instead, I work to simply let them go, so that the trash man can haul them away. They will always exist (until they decompose in the landfill decades and decades from now), but they don’t have to exist in my home where I have to see them every day, trip over them, dust them, etc…
Makes some sense? :)
Makes a lot of sense. If I want to offer a gift of my own don’t spoil it by returning theirs. I can examine their gift learn what I can from it (maybe even find appreciation for it) and then as you say, toss it in the recycling bin!