Afterward (April 2011)

Aka, “What I learned”:

• Loving-friendliness is the key to happiness.  When I am friendly, when my heart is open and caring, loving and compassionate, I am happy – regardless of any other person’s response.
• The present moment is the key to true freedom, to liberation.  When I project into the future or ruminate about the past, I suffer.  Big time.  But when I just stay right here, right now, right in this present moment, life is just fine.  Perception is most people’s reality; I would like to make reality my reality.
• I like yoga more than I like sitting meditation; and I am more present for more time during yoga than during seated meditation.  And I do get good awarenesses and learnings via both methods.  That being said, up to this point in my meditation and yoga path, I have received deeper, more ‘transformational’ insights in my sitting meditation practice than via yoga.  As much as I wish that weren’t the case (because I ‘like’ yoga more than I ‘like’ meditation), it is my current reality.
• I’m not sure that I’m willing to do the work required to attain genuine, full liberation.  And that’s really difficult for me to admit.  I never thought of myself as ‘lazy’, or unaccommodating – but at multiple points in this retreat, when push came to shove, I opted for the ‘easy’ way instead of the growth-producing (freedom-yielding) way.  And it hurts me to admit that (and it really hurts me to observe that within myself), but it’s the truth.
• Still, while my mind may be overly-active in thinking, and while my ego may be unruly and make judgments, my heart is still a lotus flower – and I need to never forget that.  No matter how deep I am in the muck, I am still a beautiful flower, striving to bloom.

So, where to go from here?  I really don’t know.  But I do know I’ll still meditate tomorrow; because really, what else can I do?

Stef

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