Day Two

Task for the day: Feel the breath on/in the nostrils.

One of the initial thoughts that came to me this morning was that I am in a voluntary prison.  The physical boundaries (i.e., a closed gate at the exit so I can’t get out, even if I do decide to leave my purse behind [I can always get another driver’s license…]; the curtain that separates the men from the women in the dining hall; and all of the little wooden signs that literally say “COURSE BOUNDARY”) are constant reminders that I am very limited in what I can do.  Further, the regimented schedule, and the bells that constantly ring telling us exactly when we can move to the next part of that schedule (and not a moment before; i.e., no showering before the 4 am bell rings; no entering the dining hall before the 6:30/11/5 o’clock bells ring; no ending a meditation session before its bell rings) are also constant reminders that I have pretty much no control.  Add onto all of this the mediocre food (so even though I get to choose the items to eat of the ones offered, it’s sometimes a game of selecting the least-unappealing item…), the complete silence, and the physical appearance of myself and my fellow meditators (i.e., we are all wearing lounge pants and sweatshirts/fleece jackets, so it looks like we are all sporting the same prison-esque garb), and well, it’s kinda like what I imagine a low-security prison is like.  Or rehab.  (Though mercifully I have never been to either one [just to stop any potential rumors right there!], so this is all speculation on my part.)

In fact, at dinner tonight, I looked around the dining hall accidentally (force of habit), and all of my fellow meditators just looked whipped!  We all looked exhausted, and in pain, and annoyed – I don’t know how sitting still and experience sensations is such tough work, but it IS!

But, back to the morning of Day Two.

Last night was another rough one sleep-wise, and my back was already letting me know it was unhappy with this whole dramatic change in lifestyle, so this morning I relied on two “props” to get me through: caffeine, and Tylenol.  Both REALLY helped.  I was at least able to make it through the morning meditation sessions.

During the two morning sessions, I did not spend a whole lot of time with my breath; instead, my mind generated tons of inventions – new products I could potentially sell, new processes I could potentially innovate, pretty much anything new I could reasonably grasp, apparently anything to avoid thinking about breathing – the real task at hand.  Some of the inventions were actually pretty cool ideas; and some were just ridiculous and/or annoying.  Basically, my mind was revolting, just as my body had done in the AM before I pacified it with some “helpers”.  Alas, there was nothing I could do for my mind, except coax it back to the breath; which I just did over, and over, and over, and over, and over again.

While I certainly did not do ANYTHING perfectly at the center the entire 10 (12) days I was there, by mid morning I was experiencing some “success” regarding my breath.  Somewhere around 9 am (?) that helpful, positive self-talk mind kicked in, and gave me an image I could use to work with my breath to begin to get my scattered mind focused.  Instead of visualizing inventions, I began to visualize this image.

And when my mind did get off track and ambled into the wilderness, after a few minutes it came back, and it found a positive supporter; my self talk said, “Hi there.  You know, I really want to play with this whole breath thing; but I can only play when you are here.  Will you please play with me?”  And so we did.

And at that point, watching and feeling my breath got a LOT easier.

So, the afternoon was actually a positive experience!  I felt the tide shifting.

By the evening, though, things had changed once again.  (This will become another theme of this experience: the constancy of change.)  During the evening meditation, my thoughts were along these lines: “I’m irritated, and downright angry.  I hurt. I’m hungry.  I want a hug.  I want Joel.  I want a kiss.  I want a massage.  I want love.  This trip might be worth it if I learn something new, but so far everything that has been said are things I already know!”

(What I find amusing about that above paragraph is that, at the time, I couldn’t see that ALREADY I was experiencing something new; a mind that was at least sometimes helpful and positive, instead of a mind that was formerly pretty much irritated and distracted 24/7.)

During the evening lecture, the teacher gave a teaser: A “promise” of something new and cool happening on Day 4.  Honestly, that was the only reason why I didn’t say “screw all of this” and quit right then and there. I mean, I KNOW how to breathe!!

And then, I laughed at myself.  Seriously, I would walk away from potential nirvana and inner peace and bliss because I was annoyed for a single 24-hour period of time? Stef, you are ridiculous!

I shook my head at myself, and smiled with amusement.  I swear, my mind behaves like a three-year-old sometimes.  Apparently it’s time to put me to bed.

(Continue to Day Three…)

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Day One

Task for the day: Be aware of the breath on the nostrils.

To say my Vipassana experience got off to a rough start is a bit of an understatement.  I can honestly say I *hated* life my first 24 hours at the center.  (And I do not use the word “hate” lightly at all.)

The morning meditation session was pure torture for me: I was FREEZING cold (it was probably around 35 degrees outside, and windy and wet; and it couldn’t have been more than 60 degrees in the meditation hall), I was exhausted from having barely slept the night before, combined with a very early 3:45 am wake up time), and I was incredibly hungry, given our scant “dinner” the night before.  My mind would not focus at all on the “simple” task of watching my natural breath, and I nearly fell asleep during the meditation session.  So far, not good.  I wanted to quit VERY badly.

At 11 am we had lunch (people are often curious about the food served at the center, so I have a separate post regarding the menu/food offerings), and then at noon I had an interview with the teacher (and I honestly can’t remember what we even talked about), then took a shower and did a little bit of yoga.  The lunch meal helped with the hunger (obviously), the shower helped me get warm, and the yoga gave me something familiar to do – and something to DO, period.  By that point in the day I was desperate for ANYTHING to do (which will be a recurring theme throughout the entire 10-day experience).

At 1 pm we were supposed to do 90 minutes of meditation on our own in our rooms; and my rear was already hurting from the morning session.  I tried doing some meditation sitting in the chair in my room; and after about 10 minutes, I nearly fell asleep again.  So I decided to stand up, and meditated in a standing position for about 30 minutes (even though standing meditation is not allowed in the Vipassana style; neither is laying down).

After an hour of meditating on my own, I just couldn’t do any more.  So I gave up, and basically looked at the wall for the next 20 minutes, until it was time to walk back over to the hall for our afternoon meditation session.  (If you are curious about the daily schedule, you can view that here.)

I realized that I was going to be unable to make it through another hour of meditation using the pillow/cushion arrangement I had tried in the morning (which was basically me just sitting upright on a round cushion), so I used a support called a “backjack”, along with a triangle cushion, to fashion a “floor chair” for myself.  (I’ve made a little sketch of the setup that you can look at if you so desire.)

Once I was reasonably settled in (“reasonably” being a relative term, mind you), I began desperately trying to focus on my breath.  After probably 30 minutes or so, I found a decent rhythm of repeating “iiiiinnnnnn-hhhhhaaaa-llllllaaaaa-tion”, “eeeeeexxxxxxx-hhhhhaaaa-llllllaaaaa-tion” to myself – and then was able to “find” my breath.  (Which is pretty hilarious to think about, that I can’t find my own automatic body functioning…)  Now, using a mantra is not allowed in Vipassana (the thought being that every sound generates its’ own vibrations; and the point/purpose of Vipassana is to find the body’s own vibrations), but at this point, I was running out of options, and I was desperate to try anything that might helped.  This helped, so I used it.

And you may be wondering: “She’s desperate, and it’s only 2:30 pm on Day One?”  The answer: Yes.  Think about it: By this point in the day I had spent around 4-5 hours desperately trying to “do” meditation; and generally, when a person can’t do a task, even 10 minutes of attempting it is frustrating.  Attempting MEDITATION with no “success” is even MORE frustrating, because there are no breaks, no outside distractions; just me, and my crazy-ass frenetic mind.  I was grasping for anything, ANYTHING, that might help.  (Which is a whole separate issue, which will be discussed in subsequent days.)

However, during this period of struggle, I did have one very cool awareness: I found that my self-talk had shifted somewhere between Day Zero and 3 pm on Day One.  Before, my self-talk was generally negative (i.e., “Oh, I can’t believe I just did that, that was so stupid/careless/etc.”; “Oh, I can’t believe I just said that, I am so embarrassed”; and on, and on, and on…); but during this time of intense struggle and feelings of failure, I caught some of my self-talk, and it was going on like this, “Hey, it’s okay; you’re doing the best you can.  You know what, don’t even worry about what just happened; let’s just try it again.  Oops, didn’t do it just then; okay, let’s try…now!”  And so on.  And that alone, THAT, was worth all of the pain and frustration and suffering of Day One.

Despite my new-found caring self, the evening did not bring any improvements.  By the 6 pm meditation session, I was in tears.  (Literally.)  During that one-hour session, some of the various thoughts the came to me were as follows: “God, this rain sucks.  It will never stop; I will be trapped in sogginess for over a week.  I hate life.  I want to quit.  I have failed; on Day One.  I’m a failure.  What is the point of all of this?  This is all such bullshit!  I could be home with Joel right now; not suffering here.  I am SO crazy for even choosing – CHOOSING! – to do this.  I am spending my vacation time on this??  AAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!”  And, all of this insanity was done silently, motionless.  I may have looked “peaceful”, but I was so far from peace, it was so NOT funny.

I was vacillating wildly between fear, frustration, extreme anger/hostility, and depression.  In a word: misery.

If I had not turned in my purse yesterday, I would have walked out of the meditation hall, packed my car, and drove away right then and there.  I am so not kidding.

But, they had my driver’s license.  They had my credit cards.  They had my bank card.  They had me.  They owned me.

This SUCKS!

(Continue to Day Two…)

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Day Zero (10/14/2009)

I left my house around 9 am, and arrived at the Illinois Vipassana Meditation Center a few minutes before 4 pm.  I got increasingly nervous as I drove towards the center; I felt a strong “need” to listen to blaring rock music in my car, and “dance” as much as the seat belt would allow – in anticipation of 10 days of no talking and minimal movement.

When I got to the gate of the center, I actually pulled off to the other side of the street, into the parking lot of a small nature preserve area, and wrote this: “I have arrived at the meditation center.  When I turned off the engine to write this, the first thing I felt was silence.  It was starling, not having any noise around me.   This happened to me when I did my solo retreat at The Dwelling two years ago – the silence hit me.  So I’m not surprised by this, but it is still startling.  Is this what the next 10 days will feel like?

It is beautiful here – it’s red farmhouses, and yellow trees, and green grass, and a gray/white sky…

*sigh*  I’m stalling.  I feel a bit like I’m about to check myself into a mental institution – or rehab.  Well… I guess it’s time to go in.  Wish me luck.”

At the time, I had absolutely no idea how very true those words would prove to be.

I got to the center, where I was greeted very “officially” by the manager of the center.  She gave me specific directions: drive to the dorm, unpack, park your car in the lot, then return here with all your valuables, as well as any electronic devices, cell phones, religious objects, etc. you may have on you.

When I completed her directions as instructed and returned back to the main hall, she had me surrender my purse to her possession (for “safekeeping” during the retreat, as no doors have locks on them), fill out a form, and then “invited” (told) me to either wait here or in my room, but either way, to return promptly at 6 pm for a light meal, and our beginning instructions.

I chose to wait in the main hall, so I could meet other people as they arrived.  Over the next 90 minutes, I met one woman who was an “old student” (i.e., had completed this course once previously), and who had brought her friend with her (a “new student” – someone who has never had this experience).  I also spent some time talking with two girls (I’m guessing mid-to-late 20s or so, single, etc.) who came together from Chicago; and one woman who was/is from my hometown of Elkhart, Indiana!  So wild.

Promptly at 6 pm, “dinner” was served (veggie broth with some cooked carrots tossed in, and cornbread), and then at 6:30 pm we were debriefed on the more significant rules.  (There were LOTS of rules at this center – you can see a whole listing of them here.)  Our “Noble Silence” began at that time.  (Noble Silence = no communication with anyone on the retreat, in any form – including speaking, writing notes, gesturing, eye contact, etc.  We could speak with the teacher at noon for 5 minutes each day regarding questions about our meditation practice; and we could speak with the course manager one-on-one about any “material” needs we had [i.e., toilet paper, questions about the schedule, etc.]; otherwise, no communication.)

At 8:30 pm, we were separated into our respective gender groups, and were taken separately into the meditation hall; where, one at a time, we were shown our meditation mat; our “home away from home, away from home” for the next 10 days.  We were not to move our mat, or change places with anyone.  This was our spot, like it or not.  (I did like my spot; I was off to the side against the wall, so I could see all of the action in the place – even though I wasn’t supposed to be paying attention to anyone/anything else except myself.)

After we all got settled in, we heard about 20 minutes of chanting, in Pali (the original language of Buddhism), by an Indian guide – S. N. Goenka, the man who would be giving all of our instructions on this retreat (via CD and DVD).  We did have 2 in-person teachers as well; an American husband/wife team from Colorado, who were in their mid-50s or so.

As soon as I heard the chanting, it hit me: Oh man, this is for REAL. No messing around here; this is some hardcore meditation.  I also had the thought, “Wow, this chanting sounds crazy.  It DOES sound and feel like a cult right now…”

We had about an hour of chanting and instruction, and then were dismissed to our rooms, where we were told we were to have lights out no later than 10 pm, and needed to be at the mediation hall tomorrow morning, completely settled in to our spot, by 4:30 am.

I had a rough night of sleep – I was really cold, and the bed was hard, and so I tossed and turned pretty much all night; I think I got about 3 hours of sleep total.  Around 3:45 am, I heard a woman down the hall crying; oh god, is this foreshadowing??

(Continue to Day One…)

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Disclaimers

1)      This online journal is an honest reflection of my experience on my path of meditation.  Currently the first half of this journal is focused on the 10 (12)-day retreat I completed in October 2009 at the Illinois Vipassana Meditation Center.  The experience there was incredibly challenging; so some of the language in the journal will be blunt, and a few swear words will be included.  If you will be potentially offended by any of that, I invite you to go ahead and exit this space now – no harm, no foul.  : )  Thanks.

2)      Some of this information may seem “odd” (especially to folks unfamiliar with meditation practice), and/or maybe even slightly crazy (perhaps even to people who ARE familiar with meditation –  *smile*).  Everything I share here is my personal experience, and only my personal experience – I don’t speak for anyone else, or anything else (i.e., I don’t represent any specific group, organization, method, “religion”, etc.).  I just speak for myself – so take all of the words shared in this space with that particular grain of salt.

If you are cool with those two facets of this site, feel free to poke around, and read whatever grabs your fancy.  I’m happy to share it with you.

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Menu/Food Offerings

People are curious about the food served (and not served) at the meditation center; here’s a sampling of the more frequent items I ate.

BREAKFAST

• Oatmeal (I added raisins, cinnamon, sweetener, and milk)
• Raisin Bran (granola and Cheerios were also offered)
• Plain yogurt
• Banana with peanut butter and jelly (it sounds weird, but it’s quite good).  Apples and oranges were also available every morning at breakfast.
• A beverage I dub “Poor Woman’s Café Au Lait”: I mixed 1/4 part milk with 3/4 parts hot water, a big ol’ scoop of instant coffee, and a packet of sweetener.  It wasn’t great, but it also wasn’t bad; and more importantly, it got the job done (i.e., waking me up!)

LUNCH

Hot meals were provided every day at lunch; here is the menu this center followed:

• Veggie burger, and oven roasted potatoes
• Tofu steaks, and cooked peas/carrots
• Lentil/tomato stew, and steamed kale
• Pasta with optional marinara sauce, and steamed broccoli
• Veggie and black bean soup, and corn bread
• Homemade mac and cheese, and steamed spinach
• Refried beans with various taco fixings, and steamed zucchini.  (An aside: I have no idea how one makes Mexican food taste Indian, but somehow, these chefs did it.)  : (
• Veggie/tofu stir fry, with optional brown or white rice.  (Mercifully, this meal did NOT taste like Indian food!)
• Falafel with pita bread, and green beans

Peanut butter and jelly were always offered at lunch; but no bread – only rice cakes.

A small “salad bar” was also always offered at lunch.

DINNER

The center offers only fruit and tea at the dinner “tea time”; however, my physical needs require a minimum of three s0lid meals a day.  (I will get physically ill otherwise.)  So before I enrolled in the course, I asked if they would be able to accommodate my need and provide a full meal at the 5 pm tea time.  They assured me they absolutely could – which actually turned out to be only partly true.  Yes, I got food every evening more substantial than fruit, but sometimes just barely.  For me, “dinner” frequently consisted of:

• A cold salad comprised of lettuce, carrots, beets, cucumbers, chickpeas, cheese, sunflower seeds, and salad dressing.  A bizarre combination, but when you are hungry, it’s surprising what can taste “good”.  (Or at least acceptable.)
• Carrot sticks
• Rice cakes with peanut butter and jelly
• Apples and bananas
• Walnuts and almonds

So, not exactly what I was told that I could receive; but better than just fruit and tea.

“DESSERTS”

Um, yea.  The center occasionally provided a “treat” at lunch, but those were inconsistent.  So, here is what was offered; and here is what I “invented” on the spot.

Offered:

• Chocolate malted balls (on Day 1, and again Day 6 – I think they were trying to help ease the transition from the average American diet to this vegetarian, sugar-free, soda-free land)
• Dates and almonds
• Oatmeal raisin “cookies” (These were little rounds of leftover oatmeal from breakfast that were baked, and then they stuck 6 raisins to the top of each one.  No lie.)
• Carrot/mango juice

My creations:

• Banana with peanut butter and honey
• Banana with walnuts and honey
• Banana with raisins and honey
• Peanut butter, walnuts, and honey
• Peanut butter, almonds, and honey

(catching a theme here?)

• Hot cocoa mix, and peanut butter (a throwback to my old camping days)

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Daily Schedule

4:00 am   Morning wake-up bell

4:30-6:30 am   Meditate in the hall or in your room

6:30-7:15 am   Breakfast

7:15-8:00 am   Break time (I showered during this time)

8:00-9:00 am   Group meditation in the hall

9:00-11:00 am   Meditate in the hall or in your room according to the teacher’s instructions

11:00-11:45 am  Lunch

11:45 am-12:15 pm   Teacher interview time (a maximum of 5 minutes per student)

12:15-1:00 pm   Rest

1:00-2:30 pm   Meditate in the hall or in your room

2:30-3:30 pm   Group meditation in the hall

3:30-5:00 pm   Meditate in the hall or in your own room according to the teacher’s instructions

5:00-5:30 pm   Tea break

5:30-6:00 pm   Break time

6:00-7:00 pm   Group meditation in the hall

7:00-8:15 pm   Teacher’s Discourse in the hall

8:15-9:00 pm   Group meditation in the hall

9:00-9:30 pm   Question time in the hall

9:30 pm   Retire to your own room–Lights out

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Rules

As I mentioned in Day Zero, there were LOTS of rules at the meditation center.  I couldn’t document all of them – truly, there were just too many to capture.  Here’s a sampling of what I do remember:

• No leaving early (i.e., before the official end of the course at 6:30 am on Day 11)
• No killing anything (including bugs – beetles, spiders, wasps, mosquitoes…)
• No use of any other techniques/rituals/prayers/worship/religious ceremonies
• No interacting with people of the other gender (including teachers and staff)
• No physical contact with ANYONE (including people of your same gender)
• No communication with the outside world at all
• No yoga, jogging, etc. – walking on a designated (small) path was the only exercise permitted
• No alcohol, drugs, or other “intoxicants”
• No tobacco
• No outside food
• No music, reading, or writing
• No tight or revealing clothing
• No laundry (you could hand wash small items if you absolutely needed to, but then had to hang-dry them in your room or outside)
• No tape recorders or cameras

Rules posted in my room:

• No speaking (except to staff to express a concern or need)
• No shoes (only slippers were allowed – shoes could be worn between buildings, but had to be removed at the entrance of each one)
• No food/beverages outside of the dining hall (the one exception was water)
• Keep your room clean
• Keep the shower curtain closed
• Open/close doors silently
• Bathing is allowed only during scheduled times (and the schedule was posted on the bathroom door)
• Turn on the bathroom fan during showers
• Keep your room door open during meditation times
• Do not attempt to change the temperature in your room.
• Keep your window closed and locked
• “Remember: We rely on students to leave their rooms clean and ready for students on their next course.”

Rules in the meditation hall:

• Keep the doors closed
• No stretching
• No laying down
• No taking a break during meditation periods of “strong determination” (see Day Five)
• Don’t point your feat towards the seat of the teacher (even when the teacher is not in the hall)
• Breaks can be no longer than 10 minutes
• No physical contact with anyone (even with people of the same gender)
• No talking
• No entering the hall more than 10 minutes prior to each scheduled meditation session
• No water bottles

Rules in the dining hall:

• Do not enter before the bell is rung
• No shoes
• Must leave the dining hall by the end of each meal/tea time
• No taking tea outside of the scheduled meal/tea times
• (Additionally, most of the rules of the meditation hall and the room were posted here as well, just for good measure)

And while we’re on the dining hall, two things about this space that were very unique:

1)      There was only one dining space – but in this style of meditation, men and women must be completely separated during the 10-day course.  So, this center had sewn multiple curtains together, and hung the whole mass on a clothesline that ran right down the middle of the room.  Men on one side, women on the other; we couldn’t even see each others’ feet.

2)      Because there were in effect 2 separate dining halls with this arrangement, we each had our own set of dishes – and our own sets of food.  Every condiment was labeled as “male” or “female” – it made me chuckle every time I used female salt, or ate female honey.

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Introduction

Lots and lots of rules are in place at the meditation center I attended.  (If you are curious, I have described some of the rules on Day Zero.)  One of the rules at the center is that no writing is allowed (along with no reading).  I abided by the reading imposition, but I am a journaler by nature – it’s how I process, how I reflect and remember, how I share with others close to me.  So, I broke this rule.  I brought one pad of paper and one pen to the center, “just in case”.  I was planning on seeing how this experience went, and only pulling out the pen and paper if necessary.  By the end of Day One, it was ABSOLUTELY necessary.

I also did not meditate as much as the schedule dictated – I physically (and mentally) just could not do it.  I sat on the cushion an average of 6 hours each day; it was all my body could take.  And of those 6 hours, early on I spent probably a maximum of 60 minutes in some form of meditation; the rest of the time was either spent chasing my crazy, wandering mind; or thinking about family and friends; or wondering why the hell I ever sought out this experience in the first place; or day dreaming, and simply escaping.  However, around Day Five that shifted, and I spent probably 80% of the remaining time in meditation, or at least darn close to a meditative space.

That being said, I DID adhere to all of the other rules and guidelines imposed by the center; so overall I was about 95% compliant.  I tried – but I am human, too.  And apparently a pretty willful human at that.

If you’d like to begin reading about the experience in more detail, click on the link to go to Day Zero.

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Table of Contents

(click on each link for details)

DISCLAIMERS

1) Some content contains coarse language.
2) I am honestly conveying my experience, and only my experience.

(Detailed disclaimers can be found here.)

THE ONE SENTENCE SUMMARY

The retreat was SO hard at times; but the end results were incredibly positive, and it was SO worth all of the tears and trauma.

THE DETAILS

Introduction: Is it bad to cheat on a spiritual task?

Day Zero: I feel like I have checked into an institution – or a cult.

Day One: Get me the hell out of here! (Um, off to a rough start…)

Day Two: A voluntary prison of annoyance and frustration, with desperation – but then a little hope.

Day Three: Ups and downs – and some personal insights.

Day Four: Vipassana Day!  And my direct experience of impermanence and change.

A bonus entry: Night of Day Four/Wee Hours of Day Five: Dreams.

Day Five: I’m starting to “get” it… I think?

Day Six: The code word for the day: equanimity.  Actually, change that to misery.

Day Seven: A radical (and needed!) shift.

Day Eight: Equanimous observation – a tall order for a short meditator.

Day Nine: A note-free day; and the learnings that resulted from it.

Day Ten: Noble Silence has ended; Noble Chatter begins.

Day Eleven: Home, home, home – I wanna go HOME!

Afterward: So what did I learn?

EXTRAS

• Rules
• Daily Schedule
• Menu/Food Offerings
• Frequently Asked Questions
  

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October 2009 Posts

Saturday, October 31, 2009: Biofeedback?

I had an awareness come to me this morning at the end of my meditation session: This style of meditation (Vipassana) is basically a portable biofeedback machine.  When I am truly peaceful, calm, centered, “in the zone”, I am aware of and attune to  my body, and can feel its various sensations.  When I’m stressed, or distracted, or otherwise mentally detached/spaced out/not present, I can’t feel those sensations as clearly/strongly, if at all.  Hmm, interesting!

There really is no mysticism to this form of meditation (as much as some people may desire, or conversely, be fearful of that); it’s just present-moment awareness, with the focus being the breath and body (instead of a mantra or a prayer or what have you).  It’s helping me “see” (experience) when I am calm and peaceful, and when I’m not really.  I can try to convince myself of lots of things (i.e., “oh, no, I’m not upset/stressed/distracted/fill-in-the-adjective”); but when I have an objective measure to use as an “assessment” tool, that brings everything to a very honest place for me.

Friday, October 30, 2009: Compassion

I’m beginning to experience the effects of my very young meditation practice in my “everyday” life.  An example that occurred today:

At a local gaming (gambling) establishment, I was at a blackjack table, and playing mostly according to the “rules” of the game – but with one exception that can drive some people crazy: I like to hit on 12, regardless of what the dealer is showing.  It’s my one “deviation” from ‘the way you are supposed to play the game’ – it’s part of what makes table play interesting for me, so let me do it, okay?  I don’t need you to tell me I shouldn’t be doing it, or try to “teach” me that it’s the “wrong” way to play (hello, gambling is the “wrong” way to play!), or try to convince me not to do it…just let me have my fun, okay?  I don’t “coach” you – or worse yet, verbally harass you.  And yet, when small paychecks, short tempers, and alcohol are added to the mix, unfortunately “unskillful” behaviors frequently appear – and tonight was no exception.  Now, to be fair, it wasn’t too, too bad (I have seen much worse); but it’s still no fun to be playing a “lighthearted” game with people who are treating it like it’s their j-o-b.  It’s a $5 table folks; if you want to play with only 100% serious people, please go to the high-rollers area – or at least a $20 table!  (Then again, if one could afford a higher-limit table, one might not be taking this all so seriously anyway…)  But I digress; back to the point (focus Stef, focus…) about me being all meditative and everything… *smile*

Two people in particular at the table tonight were very agitated – and made numerous pessimistic, angry, untrue comments.  These people started to annoy the various dealers, as well as several other people at the tables.  Eventually, one of these men was approached by the State Police, and asked to “please come with me, sir”.  After the individual had left the area, the dealer made a comment about him; and I responded earnestly, honestly, and with only compassion in my heart by saying, “He’s just a lost soul.”  And I meant it.

Before my retreat, my best-case response probably would have been to say nothing, choosing to pretend I didn’t hear the negative comment – and letting it stand.  (And as they say, “silence is consent”.)  And my worst-case response likely would have been to agree, either with a brief comment of support, or at the very least a sympathetic glance and a head nod.  (Better that you like me than not…)

So, to 1) make a comment that was in contrast to the current attitudes of the majority at the table, and 2) to truly, sincerely feel only compassion for an annoying person, yes – but clearly one who is having a tough time in life – well, these are pretty cool developments for me.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009: Trying to explain…

Today I had a conversation with a friend who wanted to hear about my experience at the meditation retreat – and I found it is difficult to articulate exactly WHY the experience was so deeply emotional (and painful) at times.  I mean, I’m just sitting, watching my breath, and feeling sensations on the body – how does that generate strong emotional responses?  I don’t know, but it does.  It really does.

This evening, I received the following note in my home email – and I think it helps explain how/why meditation can be so profound, and therefore so emotional at times:

“In a state of mindfulness, you see yourself exactly as you are. You see your own selfish behavior. You see your own suffering. And you see how you create that suffering. You see how you hurt others. You pierce right through the layer of lies that you normally tell yourself, and you see what is really there. Mindfulness leads to wisdom.”

– Bhante Henepola Gunaratana, from “Mindfulness and Concentration,” Tricycle, Fall 1998

Well said.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009: TV & restlessness

I watched one hour of TV yesterday – and it is wreaking absolute havoc with my mind.  In this morning’s meditation, snippets of the show persistently appeared throughout my sit time, even though I continued to try to bring my mind back to vipassana.  I then caught myself “watching” parts of the show in my mind as I was showering and getting ready for the day… wow.

I sincerely doubt that this is a new phenomenon; I suspect this had been occurring all along, but I was just unaware of it until now.  No wonder I was so restless!

Just goes to show my mind wants to take the path of least resistance, always.  If I let it be “lazy”, it absolutely will!  So… I may need to take a hiatus from TV for a while.  Not that this is a bad thing; guess I’ll have more time to read.  :)

Monday, October 26, 2009: Tightness

Not even a full day back in “the real world”, and I am already feeling just how “tight” I am.  My muscles are understandably tight (12 days of massive sitting and minimal movement, followed by a 7-hour drive home); but my mind is already tightening under the perceived stresses of trying to get caught up with my “real world” life (personal emails, work tasks, errands, house chores…).  My morning meditation today was scattered, and “productive” only in the sense that I got to see/experience just how stressed out I am.  *sigh*  Learning to let go is difficult; especially when my environment is no longer “forcing” me to…

(Later)  My meditation experience is already getting good practice…

In doing all of the laundry from my nearly two weeks away, I tossed in a few of Joel’s items into my final load; and apparently one of his pairs of pants is new, because the ink bled all over 4 of my shirts.  (His pants are dark navy, and the four shirts are white, of course.)  Hmm… this was a very good opportunity for me to see how I would react in the face of “life not going my way” – and I’m pleased to say that while my initial reaction was, “Oh NO, what HAPPENED?!”; the next reaction that came about 4 seconds later was, “*sigh* Well, they are just clothes…”.

Considering the any number of reaction(s) I may have had 2 weeks ago, I consider today’s laundry encounter to be SIGNIFICANT progress; and tangible proof of the power of meditation in my life.

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